Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Word choice

I have a really tough time saying no to work. Usually, I'll only turn it down if: 1. The pay is crap 2. I don't think I'm qualified for the job, or 3. It conflicts with other work. It's an especially difficult choice to make if it conflicts with something going on in my personal life, because I have a harder time justifying it. And I feel horrible admitting it, but I've missed a couple of my boys' appointments with the doctor. I missed my Parents of Multiples consignment sale this fall, which seems like a silly thing but it really bummed me out. Like, to the point of tears. And I was out of town for my very first wedding anniversary.

It's taken me a long time to trust that work will come. And I still don't, not completely. So when things are good, I'm often way overworked, because I feel like the lean times must be right around the corner. I've been a little freaked out lately because I'll be on (unpaid) vacation for two weeks, yet we're still paying for child care. And I don't know how slow January might be.

It wasn't until just a couple of days ago that I realized my attitude really needed adjusting. I received two job offers and had to turn them down because of my Christmas trip. I wrote one of the project managers, "Unfortunately, I'll be on vacation." Then I stared at what I had written for a long time. And then wrote, in parentheses, "Actually, not so unfortunately at all."
It made me feel a lot better, like I was finally giving myself permission to let go of it.

The year is over. I'm closing up shop, and we'll see what January brings.

1 comment:

Snickollet said...

Eat some ceviche for me, please, and fully relax and enjoy that vacation. All my love to your family, too.